Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony
3 journalers for this copy...
From the back cover:
From: Colfer, Eoin (pronounced 'Owen', by the way)
To: The World (above and below ground - and Limbo, i.e. somewhere in between)
Subject: Artemis Fowl Update
I've waited a long time for young criminal mastermind Artemis Fowl to meet his match. Finally, it's happened.
A second juvenile genius has discovered that fairies do exist ans she is determined to capture one for scientific stude. And not just any fairy. The newcomer intends to trap a demon - the most human-hating species unknown to man.
But there are more than two players in this deadly game. Holly Short has been enlisted by Section 8, a covert division of the Lower Elements Police, to find out just what her old accomplice Artemis is up to. And there is also a mysterious assassin, Billy Kong, who will stop at nothing to get his revenge.
Only an acient time spell separates the demons from mankind - and Artemis must prevent it from unravelling. If he fails, the bloodthirsty tribe will relaunch their quest to wipe every human from the planet. Because that's what demons live to do.
There can be only one winner - and this time it might not be Artemis Fowl.
Take nothing for granted.
Your time-travelling correspondent,
This man is NOT my biographer. He is a fantasist, writing sensationalist stories about me. I will neither confirm nor deny anything that appears between these covers. However, my lawyers - and my bodyguard - are watching.
Artemis Fowl II
This book is on its way to Niora - enjoy it!
I've described Artemis Fowl books before as a joint effort of Irish versions of Ian Fleming and Terry Pratchett to write action-fantasy for kids. I found the first books of the series pretty fun and promising, but Colfer nearly lost me as a reader with the fourth book (The Opal Deception), which was pretty much just repetitive and annoying.
Seems like the series is back on track now. The Lost Colony does have notably stereotypical elements, but it's excitement pretty much all the way through, and it's fun to observe AF dealing with puberty, the poor guy:
"Butler, can I ask you something?"
"I'm a little busy at the moment."
"Nothing taxing. Just a 'yes' or 'no' answer. Is it normal, during puberty, to feel these blasted feelings of attraction at stressful times?"
"It is normal. The more stressful the situation, the more your body pumps out the hormones."
"Good. Normal then. Back to business."
So, not the greatest literature in the world, but I've been re-established as an enthusiastic reader of the series. When's the next book coming out, anyway...?
Thanks again for the loan, DEESSE, I'll mail the book back to you in a few days' time!
Update (July 25): finally mailed it back today.
Here are some I liked a lot:
(How the imp-school teacher made his pupils sit down at the beginning of the lesson - maybe I should try that with my pupils one day?):
"'Sit down,' he roared at the imps. 'And make it fast, you shower of stinking rabbit droppings. I've got a fresh blade here that I'm just itching to test.'" (p.60)
"'I want to warp,' he said, looking at his fingers. 'I really do. But it's the hating thing. I just can't manage it. And all that slime. Even the thought of that stuff all over me makes me feel a bit nauseous.'
'A bit what?' said Rawley suspiciously.
N° 1 realized that he needed to dumb it down for his teacher.
'Sick. A bit sick.'" (p.76)
(When he has to care for his warping classmates in the dung pit:)
"There was no way of telling which classmate it actually was because of the slime cocoon. The only movements were small air bubbles around the mouth and nose. At least he hoped it was the mouth and nose." (p. 79)
(Artemis's fairy communicator:)
"The phone was the size and shape of a two-euro coin, with a pulsing red crystal at its centre. This was a fairy omni-sensor, which could interface with any communications system, including the human body. The phone was disguised as a rather ostentatious ring on Artemis's middle finger. Artemis twisted the ring so that the phone sat on his palm, then closed his middle fingers, extending his thumb and little finger. The sensor would decode vibrations in his little finger and send them as voice patterns. It would also use the bones in his hand to transmit the caller's voice to the tip of his thumb.
Artemis looked for all the world like a young boy talking on an imaginary phone." (p.91)
"'How much time do I have?' asked Holly, [...]
Artemis checked the stopwatch on his watch.
'If you hurry,' he said, 'none'. (p.106)
"Then he noticed the humans. Scores of them, arranged in rings, rising up to the heavens. N° 1 knew instantly what this must be.
'A theatre. I'm in a theatre. With only seven and a half fingers. I have only seven and a half fingers, not the theatre.' This observation brought on another fit of giggles, [...]" (p.108)
"[Mulch] stood, unbuttoning a bum-flap on the seat of his pants. Where else would a bum-flap be? 'OK, pixie. Hop on.' [...] 'Are you sure?'
Mulch sighed. 'Sure I'm sure. What are you afraid of? It's just a rear end.'
'Yeah, maybe. But it's smiling at me.'
'Perhaps it's happy to see you. You don't want to be there if it gets angry.'" (p.145)
Foaly singing "the Riverbend classic: 'If It Looks Like a Dwarf, and Smells Like a Dwarf, Then It's Probably a Dwarf (or a Latrine Wearing Dungarees)' This was a relatively short title for a Riverbend song, which was the fairy equivalent of human country and western.
'When I got an itch I can't scratch,
When there's a slug in my vole stew,
When I got sunburn on my bald patch,
That's when I remember you...'" (p.186)
"'Perfect, you genius,' said Foaly, congratulating himself. Sometimes his own achievements brought a tear to his eye. 'I wish Caballine could have seen that', he thought. And then, 'Wow, I must be getting serious about this girl.'" (p.188)
"'Download all files from this and any networked computers,' instructed the centaur, [...] After several seconds, an animated bottle on the v-goggles screen was filled to the brim, and burped. Transfer completed. Now they could find out exactly how much information these humans had, and where they were getting it from." (p.189)
(Billy Kong's preferred way to make people talk...):
"There were ways to persuade people to talk. Asking them nicely was one way. Giving them candy was another. But Billy Kong preferred torture." (p.192)
(N° 1's large choice of synonyms taught me quite a bit ;-)!):
"'Free!' exclaimed the imp, jumping to his feet. 'Liberated. Unbound. Without restrictions.' Holly shut off her shield, revealing herself to N° 1. [...] 'An elf!' exclaimed N° 1 delightedly. 'An actual elf. I hear you cook your food and like music. Is that true?'
'Occasionally, when we're not trying to escape from murderous humans.'
'Oh, they're not murderous, pugnacious, homocidal or even bellicose.'" (p.214)
"'Unconscious,' panted N° 1. 'Comatose, cataleptic, out for the count.' He realized that this vocabulary-spouting was a good way to deal with stress.
'Stress. Pressure, strain and anxiety.'" (p.216 f.)
"Holly noticed that N° 1 was happily examining his seat belt. 'Buckle up,' she said, slotting the buckle into its catch.
'Buckle,' said N° 1. 'Clasp, clip, fastener.'" (p.221)
"[Artemis] extended his hand. 'And by the way, my name is Artemis Fowl.'
N° 1 took the hand, nibbling the forefinger as was the demon custom.
'I am Number One. Imp. Isn't there something we can do to save Hybras?'
'Hardly,' replied Artemis, retrieving his finger and checking it for bite marks." (p.222 f.)
(another example of N° 1's "vocabulary-spouting"):
"'Redundant,' said N° 1, almost unconsciously. 'Not needed, superfluous.'" (p.246)
"'You mean this silver slug?' he asked, showing Kong what had been concealed in his hand. 'He took it out,' breathed Billy Kong. 'Fowl took out the slug.'
'Took it out,' agreed N° 1. 'Extracted. Removed.'
Then he dropped the silver nugget and disappeared." (p.256)
"'I see. I said sorry already. Can we move on?'
Holly frowned at her. 'Glad to see you've forgiven yourself so quickly.'
'Harbouring feelings of guilt can have a negative effect on mental health.'
'Child geniuses,' growled Holly.
'Genii,' said Minerva." (p.269)
(N° 1 and his synonyms again):
"'Terrified,' said N° 1. 'Freaking. Planking. Up the creek.'
'Colloquialisms,' said Artemis. 'Very good.'" (p.283)
"N° 1 fell to his knees and threw up.
'Magic,' he gasped. 'Breaking down. The lure of Earth is stronger than silver now. No one is safe.'
Artemis and Qwan were in slightly better shape, but only slightly.
'I am older and have more control over my empathy,' said Qwan. 'That's why I didn't throw up.' And having said that, he threw up." (p.328)
"'Great', thought Holly. 'No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.'" (p.333)
"Qweffor. The apprentice hauled into the volcano by Abbot back on Earth. Qwan instantly understood what must have happened.
'No. We're in the magic circle once more. I need your power. Now!'
'Oh gods, Master Qwan. It's been so long. You wouldn't believe what this demon eats.'
'Power, Qweffor! Now! We can talk at the other end.'
'Oh, OK. Sorry. Nice to hear a warlock's thoughts again. After so long, I thought -'
'Sorry. On the way.'" (p.347)
"Bludwin, who was blessed with the twin gifts of idiocy and misfortune, missed every warlock in the circle and plunged flailing into the hissing lava." (p.353)
I especially liked the end (makes you go and start N° 6 immediately):
"'I picked up a little more than an eye in the time tunnel.'
'I see,' said Butler. 'Just don't do it around the twins.'
'Don't worry,' said Artemis. 'I won't.' Then his brain computed what Butler had actually said.
Butler punched in the Fowl Manor phone number, smiling. 'Maybe time stood still for you, big brother, but it didn't for the rest of us.'
Artemis stumbled to the room's only chair and sank into it.
'Big brother?' he thought, and then...
This book is reserved for Schrat now who liked the first four Artemis books - and I'm sure she'll like this one too.
CONTROLLED RELEASE NOTES:
Given to my mum who enjoyed the four previous Artemis books a lot - enjoy!