I am Sister Effluvia of the Order of Our Lady of the Sacred Everything Else. The Order was founded in the year 1043 by Sister Contraceptua (later canonized as St Contraceptua by Pope Agnosticus XXCXIII) in a convent on a hill on the Northumbrian coast where she set red lights in the window to guide passing sailors. Sadly, and quite unexpectedly, within a week the convent was ravaged by the viking Rolf the Horny (so called from his enormous horns. On his helmet.). And to add to her misery the convent was ravaged month after month, year after year. We know this from the strange carvings found on her bedhead, kept as a relic by the Sisters in the very cell used by Sister Contraceptua. The wall behind the bedhead is very dented and the bedhead itself has many odd notches, not to mention the viking raiders' names carved into it and seemingly strangely being alloted marks out of 10: Eric the Tree-Trunk (9/10), Olaf the Eye-Waterer (8/10), Dirk the Donkey (9/10), Jeffrey the Archer (0/10 "says he's never done anything like this before - yeah right!"). Strange carvings indeed. In 1543, St Contraceptua's tomb was destroyed by Henry VIII during the Dissolution of the Monasteries. She was found to have been buried in an odd Y-shaped coffin, and her incorrupt body was found to bear a tattoo on her buttocks, obviously forced upon her by the viking raiders - "Oslo Stag Parties - Rear of the Year 1043, 1044, 1045". Oh, how she must have suffered!

Anyway, I hope to be releasing some books shortly - hopefully some uplifting scriptures by the Blessed Mills and Boon or a noteworthy cartulary by the Sainted Barbara of Cartland. Until then, Bless You!