Bought @ Buecher Brocky in Zurich, an enormous and fantastic second hand bookstore :-)

This is a book that absolutely everyone should read, it really helps you figure out your family and your place in it! I'm a first born, which explains my out of control perfectionism, my need for approval (especially from my Mum, also a first born), my love of books, study and reading and my frustrations when the world doesn't run according to the 'rules'. This book is just absolutely fascinating ;-) And it's made me 'own up to' some of my faults - my stubbornness and difficulty in forgiving other people when they don't match my standards (sorry chris, when we were teenagers!)

Perfectionists are skilled procrastinators
"Many discouraged perfectionists reallyi have difficulties in handling time. They're the expert procrastinators who sometimes do a little bit and they walk away from the task. They seem to be "either or" kind of people. When they're running hot, watch out. They'll trample you getting all that work done. But when they're running cold, it's tough to get them to move at all." p.99

"Procrastinators tend to be stubborn people. The mood has to be just right or they can't possibly hit on all eight cyclinders. Naturally, they have high expectations for their own performance, and this means they often drive themselves wacky with details. They're the ones who stay up until two in the morning looking for the ten cents they're missing in the checking account." p.99

"I recently counseled a man who had not filed his income tax forms for the last four years... This man had a way of lying to himself. The lie was that he was totally dedicated to details and getting things right. But all he was doing was prohibiting himself from enjoying life by always having something hanging over his head." helen, does this sound familiar? Dissertation anyone?

Prescription for Discouraged Perfectionists p.102-108
1. Realise that perfectionism is a deadly enemy, "slow suicide"
Perfectionism can mean being as complete and thorough as you possibly can, which is a typical female approach designed to avoid criticism. "To control your perfectionism, you must recognise your deperate need to be perfect. Not only that, you must recognise the fallacy and futility in this kind of thinking." Give yourself permission to be IMPERFECT today.

2. "I was wrong"
Memorise the sentence and use it, then try "I'm sorry" and "Will you forgive me?" These are particularly hard for perfectionists, but they are a ticket to freedom from the chains of frustration. Use these 9 words and you will learn that it is okay to fail.

3. Don't be so quick to put yourself down
and don't be so quick to react when others criticise you. Perfectionists are sensitive, admit it and cope with it. Realize that time is on your side. It takes time to change ingrained patterns. Do nice things for yourself, you're worth it!

4. Perfectionists often overwhelm themselves with the big picture
They take on too much at once. So work on doing one thing at a time. Finish A before tacking B. Take a hard look at your expectations. Perfectionists are famous for unrealistic expectations and setting goals that are far too high.

5. Become skilled in saying NO
First borns want and need the approval of others. It's very difficult for them to say "No I can't do that" or "No I don't want to do that" If you can't learn to say no to people, you will never be able to say yes to life. There are just too many people who will take advantage and pull you in a dozen different directions to get what they want.

6. Perfectionists are often pessimists
Work on seeing the glass as hallf full, not half empthy. Positive thinking is one of the most powerful psychological forces on earth. Think about and meditate on things you are thankful for. Remind yourself of three good things that happened today. Then think about what can happen during the coming week that will be pleasing and pleasant.

7. First borns often have trouble sharing their thoughts and feelings, even with themselves
Why? Because they fear if they tell someone what they really think (ie admit who they really are) that person will reject them. Change negative self talk to positive self talk.

8. Perfectionists are not known for being forgiving
When insulted or unappreciated, they can nurse grudge for far too long. Do you need to work on your ability to grant forgiveness? For the perfectionist, they key to forgiveness lies in realising that people make mistakes and the world still goes on.

Welcome to my Bookray: The Birth Order Book by Kevin Leman
Member / Location (Ring posted Nov 20 2005)
:-) ChinaSourcer / UK
:-) jedsmom / UK
:-) akg / UK
:-) mrswren / UK
:-) AnglersRest / UK
:-) chocolatemummy:-) caffcaff / UK
:-) beebarf / UK
:-) Karenlea / USA (would prefer to ship to USA if poss)
:-) Dawgmycat / USA (will only ship to US)
:-) PalmersPal / USA <-- Book is here
(note to self: pass onto Cheryl/Ruraldean)

Small Print
:-) If you wish to be added to the list, please PM me with your details.
:-) You must be prepared to mail internationally.
:-) PM the next person on the list for their address, then send the book.
:-) It's not a race, but please read and send the book within a month, or write a journal to let us know you'll be a little bit longer reading.
:-) Please journal the book once you have received it (so we all know where it is) and again when you have read it (so we know what you thought of it!)

Sent to Chinasourcer on Nov 20 B Post

Received in the post, many thanks.

As I've failed to get in to this book after several tries I think I really must send it on its way.
Apologies for keeping it for so long and not being able to read it.

Landed on the mat this morning, thanks for the t bag. Going to the top of Mt toobie.

This certainly gave food for thought. I'm an only child and the analysis was quite frighteningly accurate.

My only gripe was how the author kept using his own family as examples for the 'good' traits and not the normal ones.

Sent to akg today. Thanks for sharing ncot.

Oops, I've had this for over a week and not journalled it. Sorry. Thank you also for the chocolate, it someone got passed DH and it was great. I've got another non fiction ring to read before this one, but I'll get round to it as soon as I can.

I haven't got round to this book yet because I'm finding my current read quite slow going. However I wanted to say that I'm looking forward to it even more because I've been catching up on some tv I've recorded and one of the Child of our time programmes was on this topic and it was a very interesting tempt!

I've posted this book on to MrsWren today. I've had it for a while and there hasn't been one time when it seemed I was about to get round to reading it (I've also given up on my previous which will be posted out tomorrow).

Sorry for the delay in getting this moving. Thanks for the chance to read it ncot and I'm sorry for not taking it, maybe later in the year?

mrswren has received this (she's my mum) and I know she's enjoying reading it, cos she told me, it might just take some time for her to "catch" it on her bookshelf !

Arrived from MrsWren today, thanks for sending. I'm in ring crisis again!
so it will be a few weeks before it is moving.

What a fascinating book. Thanks so much for sharing this. I'm going to search for my own copy. I think it is an excellent book for making us, as readers take stock of exactly who we are. I am always fascinated with this subject matter. I am sure that I have mentioned before, possibly in the review of the Kate Fox book, that I was recently asked my boss if I thought in English or Italian? A pondering notion.

Incidently, yesterday I was in a training session and we started off with a glass of water and asked all those present if they were half empty of half full and talked about the consequences of both.

I have tried to PM chocolatemummy, who doesn't appear to exist in the BC database. Shall I pass to caffcaff?

In the post today to chocolatemummy. Enjoy!

arrived safe and sound
thanks

i read this little book pretty speedily, but it has been waiting on my shelf as the next people in line have not got back to me yet!

Although there were some good points made in this book I felt that he was rather preachy on the subject, and what really got my goat was the references to a belief in God to get the best out of yourself and your marriage, which I really felt was out of place in a book which was about psychology really. Also, did he need to keep plugging his other books!
AS a teacher it was interesting to match some of the children to their birth order and has made me more aware of this in my own little family too. Food for thought but unfortunately the writing style really irked me!!
Caffcaff has asked to be skipped and so far no reply from beebarf

27.02.07 - Sent on today

Caught. I will begin reading it within the next week. Thank you for sharing!!!

I found this book to be very insightful. I am an only child and the whole concept of "Discouraged Perfectionist" described me perfectly. It was almost scary how many of the only child traits fit me. The only thing that I really didn't relate to was the "Lonely Only." I also enjoyed reading about the other birth orders. I know that everyone is totally different and not everything will pertain, but I still found this book to be useful.

Thank you to Nice- Cup-Of Tea for sharing. I will be mailing this to the next reader this afternoon.

This arrived in the mail today and I am really looking forward to reading it. I just started another book this morning, so I should get to it in a week or earlier.

I started reading this yesterday. So far, it's very interesting. I am looking forward to finding out more, but so far, I am hitting on both the baby of the family and the eldest/older child.