Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids
1 journaler for this copy...
10 stars: an exceptionally good book
My friend and author M.G. Lord contributed an essay to this collection. I read it as the topic hit close to home, but what I walked away with was the sense that the reasons that people don’t have children are as varied (one might argue more so) than the reasons that people do have children. The collection has 16 essays, 13 by women and 3 by men. I got so much out of this and have already gifted two copies, as well as reread the book myself. I would highly recommend this to anyone who doesn’t have children for *any* reason, including never finding the right time/ partner combination--- but I’d also recommend it to parents, to perhaps understand a bit more the nuance of a childfree life.
Quotes below (I could easily quote the entire book…)
“Is there any other situation in life where people feel so free to tell you what to do, short of checking you in to rehab? “-Courtney Hodell
[Discussing the history of motherhood as profession]. “The new line was that such arrangements were handed down by nature. As family historians tell us, this [industrial revolution] is also when the romance of the child begins-ironically it was only when children’s actual economic value declined,because they were no longer necessary additions the household labor force, that they became the priceless little treasures we know them today. Once they started costing more to raise than they contributed to the household economy, there had to be some justification for having them, which is when the story that having children was a big emotionally fulfilling thing first began to take hold. It also took a decline in infant mortality rates for mothers to start regarding their offspring with much affection. When infant deaths were high (30% before 1800) maternal attachment ran understandably low. Giving a newborn child the same name as a dead sibling was a common practice; in other words , children were barely regarded as distinct individuals. “ –Laura Kipnis
“I know there are unparalleled joys in having children-the deep love for another creature; the connection to a greater human purpose. But then there are the day to day realities. Let’s face it: children’s intellectual capacities and conversational acumen are not their best features. Boredom and intellectual atrophy are the normal conditions of daily life for the child-raising classes… Not to mention that child raising is not what you’d call a socially valued activity in our time despite the endless sanctimony about how important it is.”—Laura Kipnis
“Women with the most education are the ones having the fewest children, though even basic literacy has a negative effect on birthrates in the developing world—the higher the literacy rate, the lower the birthrate. In other words, when women acquire critical skills and start weighing their options, they soon wise up to the fact that they’re not getting enough recompense for their labors.”—Laura Kipnis
“It’s also my little ‘fuck you’ to a society that sentimentalizes children except when it comes to allocating enough resources to raising them, and that would include elevating the 22% of children currently living in poverty to a decent standard of living.” –Laura Kipnis
“The therapy helped clarify for me that I truly couldn’t stay in this marriage and I truly didn’t want kids…. If I had had children with my ex-husband, I would have had to choose between staying in a marriage that was unsatisfying and lonely and leaving and breaking up my family and sharing custody with my ex-husband, negotiating everyone’s schedules for many years. Instead of being autonomous and traveling light… I would have missed out on so much. I picture my life without children as a hole dug in sand and then filled with water. Into every void rushes something. Nature abhors a vacuum. Into the available space and time and energy my kid-free life rushed a thousand other things. .. My days are so busy and full and yet so calm and uninterrupted and self-directed.” –Kate Christensen
“Had I had children, I would have written no books… I certainly wouldn’t have gone off to Africa. I’d rather pine for children than die saying to myself ‘I could have been a contender.’ I *was * a contender.”—Lionel Shriver
“A friend who grew up with an alcoholic father said that despite her father’s disease and the toll it took on the family, children were wanted and cherished in their home…. I always assumed at some vague, distant point, I’d become a fit and willing parent. With years of therapy, I did outgrow my resentment toward and impatience with kids, and I got a handle on that driving need for parental attention and love; I accepted, with some sorrow, that it was too late to get that particular package—your chance for it comes only once in life.“-Michelle Huneven
“I would say that originally I was childless due to damage. But ultimately, I did come to the place of choosing. .. I have no regrets. I have been grateful for the freedom not to have children. It is a relatively new freedom, unknown to most women throughout history. At times, I feel like a pioneer, a woman who has had access to countless new opportunities, including the chance to craft a life best suited to her own skills and temperament. Here, I stand in contrast to my mother, who took up marriage and family by default, because the job for which she’d actually been trained, concert pianist, did not exist for women.” – Michelle Huneven
“I spent the majority of my formative years healing from what felt to me like bad parenting, which made me realize that sometimes your willingness to be a parent isn’t enough. Sometimes love runs out. It took me a long time to figure out how to fill my life with the love my parents didn’t seem able to give me. I decided to take the love I’d have for a child and give it to myself instead.” –Danielle Henderson
“I harbor no deep biological urge, no longing, no worry over who will visit me or wipe my ass when I’m elderly. If the biological clock were an actual organ, mine would be as useless as an appendix. Since I’ve always known I didn’t want children, I never agonized over whether or not to have them as though it were a major life decision. Children were just never going to fit in my life.” –Danielle Henderson
“Of all the arguments for having children, the suggestion that it gives life ‘meaning’ is the one to which I am the most hostile. The assumption that life *needs* a meaning or purpose! I’m totally cool with the idea of life being utterly meaningless and devoid of purpose—then we would all be obliged and foolish not to pursue that purpose. – Geoff Dyer
“Parents may look back with envy on the irresponsible, self indulgent lives of the childless, but I for one never felt any reciprocal envy of their anxious and harried existence …Raising children is one of many life experiences I’m happy to die without having had, like giving birth, going to war, spending a night in jail, or seeing Forrest Gump. “-
My friend and author M.G. Lord contributed an essay to this collection. I read it as the topic hit close to home, but what I walked away with was the sense that the reasons that people don’t have children are as varied (one might argue more so) than the reasons that people do have children. The collection has 16 essays, 13 by women and 3 by men. I got so much out of this and have already gifted two copies, as well as reread the book myself. I would highly recommend this to anyone who doesn’t have children for *any* reason, including never finding the right time/ partner combination--- but I’d also recommend it to parents, to perhaps understand a bit more the nuance of a childfree life.
Quotes below (I could easily quote the entire book…)
“Is there any other situation in life where people feel so free to tell you what to do, short of checking you in to rehab? “-Courtney Hodell
[Discussing the history of motherhood as profession]. “The new line was that such arrangements were handed down by nature. As family historians tell us, this [industrial revolution] is also when the romance of the child begins-ironically it was only when children’s actual economic value declined,because they were no longer necessary additions the household labor force, that they became the priceless little treasures we know them today. Once they started costing more to raise than they contributed to the household economy, there had to be some justification for having them, which is when the story that having children was a big emotionally fulfilling thing first began to take hold. It also took a decline in infant mortality rates for mothers to start regarding their offspring with much affection. When infant deaths were high (30% before 1800) maternal attachment ran understandably low. Giving a newborn child the same name as a dead sibling was a common practice; in other words , children were barely regarded as distinct individuals. “ –Laura Kipnis
“I know there are unparalleled joys in having children-the deep love for another creature; the connection to a greater human purpose. But then there are the day to day realities. Let’s face it: children’s intellectual capacities and conversational acumen are not their best features. Boredom and intellectual atrophy are the normal conditions of daily life for the child-raising classes… Not to mention that child raising is not what you’d call a socially valued activity in our time despite the endless sanctimony about how important it is.”—Laura Kipnis
“Women with the most education are the ones having the fewest children, though even basic literacy has a negative effect on birthrates in the developing world—the higher the literacy rate, the lower the birthrate. In other words, when women acquire critical skills and start weighing their options, they soon wise up to the fact that they’re not getting enough recompense for their labors.”—Laura Kipnis
“It’s also my little ‘fuck you’ to a society that sentimentalizes children except when it comes to allocating enough resources to raising them, and that would include elevating the 22% of children currently living in poverty to a decent standard of living.” –Laura Kipnis
“The therapy helped clarify for me that I truly couldn’t stay in this marriage and I truly didn’t want kids…. If I had had children with my ex-husband, I would have had to choose between staying in a marriage that was unsatisfying and lonely and leaving and breaking up my family and sharing custody with my ex-husband, negotiating everyone’s schedules for many years. Instead of being autonomous and traveling light… I would have missed out on so much. I picture my life without children as a hole dug in sand and then filled with water. Into every void rushes something. Nature abhors a vacuum. Into the available space and time and energy my kid-free life rushed a thousand other things. .. My days are so busy and full and yet so calm and uninterrupted and self-directed.” –Kate Christensen
“Had I had children, I would have written no books… I certainly wouldn’t have gone off to Africa. I’d rather pine for children than die saying to myself ‘I could have been a contender.’ I *was * a contender.”—Lionel Shriver
“A friend who grew up with an alcoholic father said that despite her father’s disease and the toll it took on the family, children were wanted and cherished in their home…. I always assumed at some vague, distant point, I’d become a fit and willing parent. With years of therapy, I did outgrow my resentment toward and impatience with kids, and I got a handle on that driving need for parental attention and love; I accepted, with some sorrow, that it was too late to get that particular package—your chance for it comes only once in life.“-Michelle Huneven
“I would say that originally I was childless due to damage. But ultimately, I did come to the place of choosing. .. I have no regrets. I have been grateful for the freedom not to have children. It is a relatively new freedom, unknown to most women throughout history. At times, I feel like a pioneer, a woman who has had access to countless new opportunities, including the chance to craft a life best suited to her own skills and temperament. Here, I stand in contrast to my mother, who took up marriage and family by default, because the job for which she’d actually been trained, concert pianist, did not exist for women.” – Michelle Huneven
“I spent the majority of my formative years healing from what felt to me like bad parenting, which made me realize that sometimes your willingness to be a parent isn’t enough. Sometimes love runs out. It took me a long time to figure out how to fill my life with the love my parents didn’t seem able to give me. I decided to take the love I’d have for a child and give it to myself instead.” –Danielle Henderson
“I harbor no deep biological urge, no longing, no worry over who will visit me or wipe my ass when I’m elderly. If the biological clock were an actual organ, mine would be as useless as an appendix. Since I’ve always known I didn’t want children, I never agonized over whether or not to have them as though it were a major life decision. Children were just never going to fit in my life.” –Danielle Henderson
“Of all the arguments for having children, the suggestion that it gives life ‘meaning’ is the one to which I am the most hostile. The assumption that life *needs* a meaning or purpose! I’m totally cool with the idea of life being utterly meaningless and devoid of purpose—then we would all be obliged and foolish not to pursue that purpose. – Geoff Dyer
“Parents may look back with envy on the irresponsible, self indulgent lives of the childless, but I for one never felt any reciprocal envy of their anxious and harried existence …Raising children is one of many life experiences I’m happy to die without having had, like giving birth, going to war, spending a night in jail, or seeing Forrest Gump. “-
